Taking a baby to the movies...
For those that also went to see a movie at the same theater as us on Friday night, i'm assuming they also heard some strange tiny noises completely unrelated to the movie. Perhaps some different little voices of excitement or small bursts of laughter. Yeah, well... that was us. That was our precious ball of energy little girl who just turned 8 months. We have never attempted to take her to a movie yet, (Except for when she was much smaller & asleep already.) First-time parents, in the front row of the upper section, struggling to keep our little one happy & occupied so we wouldn't be those noisy people at the movie. Who were we kidding :)
Don't be those people...
I have always been pretty observant of my surroundings & have always tried to have the appropriate etiquette for where I go. I try to be respectful, even while having fun. So, believe me when I say I don't want to annoy people or disregard them or interrupt their time, but these sounds, from the mouth of my babe, were the most amazing thing to me. I mean, I was embarrassed that she was calling attention to us & we were interrupting the movie a bit, so I would soothe her to be quiet again but then I would just laugh at how darn cute she is & it would happen again, & again. She got more wild once she realized movies are actually kind of long. I just wanted to hear the movie & follow along. We hadn't been able to go to a movie in a long time. We needed this break. But little did I know, how much more I needed something else. This was all bringing me to a realization -- As frustrating as it can be, as a parent, trying so hard to help your child see your perspective, but they just aren't getting it... it is still so very incredible watching them just being themselves. Aren't they amazing?
Tantrums are not fun...
The past week had been really rough. My sweet, gentle, soft, well-mannered baby girl began to throw tantrums... like never before! :( I'm talking about almost purple-in-the-face, clenched-fist, angry tantrums. Nothing was pleasing to her. None of the usual remedies soothed her upset. We were not getting sleep, her schedule was no longer working for her at this point & she was in need of our help, yet we were at a loss for what more we should do. The upset was a stressful thing for all of us. Kyla wasn't getting the calm she was yelling for us to make happen, & we were not feeling like successful parents. -- & I should add, It can be an easy thing for anyone to judge, from the outside looking in, on a difficult parenting situation, but until you are there yourself, in those moments that test you, that stretch you past your limits & you grow weary of hearing nothing except agonizing angry cries, you cannot possibly know just how hard it is to keep all of your wits & grace. In those moments, you rather just pause time while YOU go cry in your room. That is the power that an angry tantrum has on a parent sometimes. We want to control things so much as adults. When these tiny humans throw us for a loop, its ridiculous how silly we can become if we let it get to us. Especially difficult for us is when we become desperate for any other adult conversation in a peaceful tone, or desperate to watch anything else than cartoons that repeat numbers, shapes, & ABC's. These feelings happen. You long to feel like the perfect parent. You pray for that angry baby to calm down & rest their sweet face on your chest, so you can just admire them as they sleep. It is exhausting teaching them again & again, over & over the same things that you know they will be happier doing. But then that should be related to us, & just how imperfect we all are. When the peaceful moments of admiration come, & they are being so good & sweet, isn't it just the absolute BEST!? (Those are the moments we live for as parents.)
Be Patient...
So, back to the story, we desperately needed a date night but we are still those new parents that have a hard time leaving their baby with other people. So we brought her. She was pretty dang good for the first bit. Then she wanted to jump. She wanted to wiggle, wrestle, & laugh out loud. All the things we encourage in our own element. Looking at our faces, she was disappointed in our subtle reactions to her silly faces. She probably wondered what on earth could have been so much more fascinating to watch than her. She got fussy. (rightfully so) For almost a half of a second I almost felt that same frustration that I had been feeling all week, of handling her restlessness all-day every-day. But lucky, that still small voice kicked in & I heard it loud & clear... "Be teachable right now. Pay attention."
Feeling-All-The-Feels...
Her dad, being the good man he is, took her over to the exit area, to see if he could help her fall asleep. I couldn't see them behind that stairway wall, & when they didn't come back to our seats as soon as I thought they would, I went over to check on them. There they were, together, watching the movie, & Kyla was in her stroller with Dad right there standing over her.
This movie we were watching told different stories with the focus being on "The Purpose Of Life."
So there we were, against the walls in the shadows, away from the eyes of all the crowded seats, in our own little space, watching this family movie. (Basically feeling-all-the-feels) My husband wrapped his arms around me & pulled me in close. Our daughter staring up at us, smiling. I just took it all in. Everything flashed through my mind. How exhausted I am. How crazy the whole week has been, how stressed I have felt at times.
Then, all the good stuff rushed in.
My husbands heartbeat. His kiss on the top of my head, our beautiful baby observing us. Watching what love-between-her-parents is supposed to look like. In that moment, it was a safe place for all of us. Right there in that moment everything was oddly, SO perfect.Tears slid down my cheeks & of course, my husband wiped them. (Like I said, 'good man'.) Slightly laughing at me, he asked, "Babe, why are you crying?" (He knows I'm a cryer)
All I could muster up was a shrug of my shoulders. I wanted to keep taking in that moment. Then a few minutes later I responded:
"Just happy I guess :) ... I don't know. I feel like a lot of things are flooding in right now. It just hit me in this moment, how much I know I will miss this one day... These are precious memories we are making...
As crazy as it has been lately, & even with a baby being silly at the movie, here we are, adjusting, making the best of it... We are a FAMILY! These are the days we will look back on... I love you guys."
Those moments are what we live for...
"Those Moments" are what we live for as parents. I never understood it fully when other parents tried to explain it as what gets them through the tough stuff. They always said it was the little moments of "awe." They said life gets crazy for everyone and then out of nowhere "a moment" occurs.
Friday night we went home, & I was so grateful that we attempted the movie with our little one. That moment was so deeply needed. That is why the testing times are so good for us. They make us FEEL things in a way we never could if we were always comfortable. As hard as it can be, to be a good parent, it doesn't even compare to the rewards that come back to you from it all. It is an undeniable bond you gain when you put in your effort to be the best you can for them. It's nice to know that 'your best' is all that is really asked of you & often is plenty enough for them.
I am so grateful for "these moments" of parenting. They are the times my heart feels like it could literally BURST with love. I welcome many many more of these moments in the future. I open my heart to the stressful work that is needed to be done, so I can have even just a quick rush of those waves that renew me again, refilling the joy that sustains me as a wife/mother.
Choose to be here now...
Whether you are a mother or father who is single or married, with 1 child or 10... I hope you choose to take it all in, every chance you get, & just bask in it. Soak it up & realize how blessed you are to share this life with them. Let your kids be kids. Let them laugh out loud & be silly. If they need your attention, look them in the eyes & show them they matter. Set aside what you are doing & have a moment with them, apart from the world around. Show them they are what you treasure most of all. Ponder, as you hold them, how incredible it is to be alive & live for those moments that fill you up.
Those 'moments that I live for' never fail to tell me, again & again, "You know that its worth it."
XO
Ash
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