Heres the part of my background in short story. I grew up a completely and totally different lifestyle then I live now. But I have taken every part of how I've grown up and re-arranged those pieces of who "I am" into what Ive always wanted to be. I have not let my scars define me nor my future.
Born & raised in Southern California until we moved to the pretty state of Utah in my teens. My beautiful Mother Victoria raised me without my father ever knowing I existed... even still. Others who could stepped in to help when they could. My father missing from my life has been my biggest curiosity. My mother is a free spirit. A fun loving, quick paced, hippie life style kind of woman.
She starred in movies & started making a living for herself as a model here and there. She also loved to be behind the camera. She was surprised to find that she was pregnant with ME right in the middle of her prime of 25 years and in the middle of her acting. She chose me. I changed her life forever.
Many of my own family (besides my mother) doesnt even know much extremity of difficult things I faced throughout my life. To all of my outside family they still have no idea of things I went through that no one should ever have to. Many things are unknown to them. My mom however was the person I would try to tell everything to as soon as I was able. She made me feel okay to be myself and be open about things. I loved when she could spend time with me but she was always busy and trying to provide. I used to love staring at her and pick up on the way she would sing songs she loved. My Mom was never the type to sit and talk or listen for a period of time. She knew that I loved to do that so she taught me to write. Everything. Stories, Diaries, drawings, jokes, & poetry. She always told me I was gonna do something great or change the world one day with my writing and connection with people and words. I have kept a detailed journal still to this day, every year since 2nd grade.
I loved that she allowed me to express myself that way. Many of those pages are filled with things I had to face that were extremely difficult and full of heartache. Feelings of depression set in in my teen years, feeling of a lack of my own true identity, not feeling fully understood, feelings of abandonment & helplessness. Feelings of no one understanding me. I was my hardest critic and would at times really overwhelm myself with trying too hard to be perfect. Now I know what you are thinking when I say that. Ill just tell you right now I was no gothic-depressed-cranky kid. I pressed on trying to smile through. I tried to believe my hurt would one day not be so extreme inside. I was always a happy girl but very in touch with my emotions and the emotions of others. I have felt like a sponge most of my life. Someone would talk and start to cry about something terrible and I would feel their pain and shed a tear myself. Very easily this happens. What was once considered painful and hard for me when I was young, I now understand is a huge blessing for me and I'm able to confidently embrace who I am.
I have come to love who I am. I have come to understand my true value and erase the illusion that the world says I should be. Now I use what I know to help others & help them know they are loved. I also grew up with a very strong desire to HAVE FUN! haha I was a yellow personality from the get go, but next to fun, I had an equal strong desire to LEARN. I was extremely curious! I asked too many questions about things, I made my own experiments & I observed peoples emotions very well for my young age.
Curiosity . God . Religion . Catholic . Christian . Mormon .
Life Long Spiritual Journey.
"God" was always a huge curiosity to me. I specfically remember the certain questions I would ask my family. Deep questions about life and death and Heaven and Hell. Our traditional family life (AS I REMEMBER IT & SAW IT) was that our ancestors migrated here from over seas, settled in Ohio, Michigan & California being passed down through Catholism for who knows how long. But I do know for a fact that The Catholic Church were the traditional beliefs our family all were a part of.
My Grandmother Aneva would take us to church once in a while and I remember all the things a kid would remember from those experiences. The sun through the Pretty colorful stained glass windows, the holy water that everyone would dab on their foreheads in a cross motion before their faces, the big long benches lined in rows facing the giant statue of Christ nailed to a large cross figure & the Priest at the front. I remember always thinking it was kind of strange that every time we would go to church we did the exact same thing. Reciting all the same things over and over & I had felt like I had no voice to ask questions in church and get answers. Each time I spoke I was asked to keep quiet and if I had a big question, I needed not worry so much about the answer to it, I was to just accept that I may never know that answer and to just do it. I remember that my favorite part besides it being a family tradition, was when I was able to go off alone to light a small candle while I'd kneel and pray to God. I remember going in a separate room to do that once and I was glad my cousins didn't follow me because I wanted to ask God some personal things that I knew he could answer. I didn't want a distraction or for anyone to tease me for asking these questions. I spoke reverently with God (as if He were almost there) I asked if he really existed, I wanted to deeply know if I was His. I wanted to know if I was His specifically and if he truly loved me and if I was doing the right thing.
I used to watch "Touched By An Angel" with my Grandmother. I learned how to pray and what people prayed for. So as I was there praying like that, I really pictured an answer of peace and warmth like I saw on that series. Sure enough I felt a gentle warm feeling of peace that told me: I am his, He loves me, & he loves the goodly desire I have to know him.
Shortly later in life I remember attending different Christian Churches and feeling very comfortable there, or feeling as if they were even fun and entertaining! One particular Christian gathering still sticks with me when it was Christmas Eve and we all gathered in an arena with lit candles in our hands as a guy played an acoustic guitar on the stage. The crowd swayed to songs of Christ and finished the night by saying, "Now that you have all come here tonight to accept Jesus, you are all saved my brothers and sisters, you are all saved." I felt that phrase needed to be looked into more for me. What is it to "be saved" aren't we all Gods children? What is there we need to save ourselves from? & just by coming here to listen we have now been saved?
Many seeds of curiosity and peace had shaped my journey until later in my life the LDS Missionaries found my Mother and I. When my mother was engaged to marry a member of the LDS Church. He offered for us to learn about God, Utah and Mormons if we wanted to, we accepted, and we learned a lot. I was stubborn at first until I started to read The Book Of Mormon on my own without anyone else around to tell me what THEY thought. I wanted to find something fishy about it all but as I read and pondered the words in it there was nothing bad at all that I could find. In-fact it was the opposite what I found were the answers to ALL of my questions I always had.History of the ancient people, The American land, how they got here, why would the Bible end and there be no more to learn, where do we come from, how do we know the Bible is true, is God not just our Creator but our Father? I had SO many questions that were now answered.
The most important questions to me were
1) what was before this life? Did I just start "existing at birth" or was I existing before?
2) whats the whole purpose of coming here like this & whats our goal here & does God guide us?
3) what comes after and what can we prepare for that is to come?
That led into a never ending list of questions and studies. I read the whole Book of Mormon and loved it so much. It was so important to me to have ANOTHER part of spiritual & physical history. But even though I loved the book not a single person could have convinced me that it was truly the Word Of God also until I prayed for myself and got an answer. As you can guess I got my answer. It was a day Ill never forget.
I was converted to the LDS church at age 20 and I decided to live according to the new faith I had acquired. Never changing who I am. Rather, becoming more myself and stripping away the things around me that weren't truly ME. I became cautious on a higher level of how I thought, spoke, and acted. I became aware of the sacredness of the Physical Body I had been given to protect my sacred spirit. I knew more seriously how important it is to care for this body and this spirit of mine. I knew now that each choice I make in this life will take an eternal effect on me and those I love. Because choices make characters and the character you make here, goes with you in the next life. But the new hope I found, was that no matter where we are, we CAN PROGRESS! I was so much more happy that I wanted to share the joy. I personally decided to seriously consider serving people in some way. I looked into many cooperations I could contribute to and the strongest one stood out to me that i needed to serve people WHILE serving my Heavenly Father. So being the only member of the church in my family, I took faith with me and I alone left to serve an LDS Mission in Buenos Aires Argentina at 21 years old.
I was able to also be apart of many community services, garbage clean up, home building, food drives, clothing storages, meals for the homeless or poor, and caring for the elderly and sick. I was able to care for people as Christ would. The kids in the streets would call us angels sometimes, but I often wondered if they were just noticing the ones that always kept us protected and led us to those in need. I fell in love with the humble people there and they helped shape me into a better person. I absorbed all of the culture there and took much of it back with my heart. I returned home to the U.S. April 1, 2012.
He has filled my heart complete. Filled voids and hurt that I never knew I had before. He loves me most just as I am. He appreciates all I do. He admires my creativity and he gives me wings to fly higher. Ive never had anyone believe in me as he does. I am constantly admiring his ability to love me so greatly. And Im always amazed with his long patience. He began to re-build my thinking in a way that he provided me with everything my childhood didn't. He filled that void of never having a father figure. He taught me the true meaning of love and respect. The very definition of it. I love him & I love God.
I testify to Y-O-U that is reading this right here, right now, you are not reading this by accident. God loves you and you are literally His child! He created you with a smile on his face knowing what good you would bring to this world and others. He saw your highest potential. He has guided you from the beginning, as long as you have let him. Think of the place you were born, the places you grew up, the people in your life. All of those things shaped you to be who you are and so have your choices. Think of your past and then where you are now at this point in your life. There have been trials you possibly didn't think you could surpass yet you did. Just as when we are small babies, we stumble learning to walk and then eventually we get it. Step after step until we learn to run. God has guided and been involved with all of that progress. Each of our spiritual journeys are different from each others but God remains the same, constantly reaching out to us individually. He hears you. Believe and know that if nothing else, believe that he hears you. He will not leave you comfortless. Others will come and go but His love shall never cease because you are so precious and important to him. He wants only the very best for you in the hereafter. He wants all of your positive dreams to come true. He smiles when he sees you accomplishing goals for the first time. He finds joy in your increased learning. Trust in His love & act according to that love and be courageous to let it drive you to be better wherever His love sails you. Allow Him to be near you always so that you might reach that highest potential He has created you with. I send you my love and want to tell you that you are so IMPORTANT. Don't you dare for one second think anything less of yourself.
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